In case you haven’t noticed, the first half of 2010 has been a staggering movie suck-fest. I felt that three movies in particular epitomized what’s been going wrong in Hollywood.
Alice in Wonderland
Tim Burton created this movie, and when talking about the classic story, he hits the nail right on the head here:
“Seeing other movie versions of it, I never felt an emotional connection to it. It was always a girl wandering around from one crazy character to another, and I never really felt any real emotional connection … the real attempt was to try and make Alice feel more like a story as opposed to a series of events.”
Disney’s original “Alice” remains one of my favorite animated movies ever, but if I had to voice one complaint about it, it was certainly that it lacked a plot–specifically, a plot from a formulaic action movie which climaxes with a massive battle. I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I re-watch the original movie now, I can’t help but think that characters like the Mad Hatter, Tweedle Dee, and Tweedle Dum would serve a much better purpose if they would just cut the bullshit, arm themselves, and join the war to save the world.
(Yes, the “Tweedles” actually fight evil in this movie. I wish I were joking.)
The sad part is, I always get excited when they bring my favorite classic stories and characters to the big screen, and then I always end up angry when they carelessly chuck them into the Hollywood Plot Machine. Please stop!
Sherlock Holmes
Here’s another classic character that was fed into the plot machine, but I have different issues with this movie. I went to see it in the theater, only when it was over, I never really felt like I saw a film. Actually, I walked out under the impression I had just seen a shitty sitcom that was two and a half hours long. Probably because nearly all the dialogue in the entire movie sounded something like this:
Watson: [line that has plot implications]
Holmes: [witty repartee]!
Seriously, after each line, I was a bit thrown off because they forgot to put in the laugh track. The corny one-liners were so often, I felt like I paid for three hours of coming attractions.
Everyone can appreciate a well timed snappy comeback, and of course few actors deliver them better than Robert Downey Jr. But when you are writing entire screenplays where they become the only way characters interact, it’s time to realize where you belong: TV. Don’t venture away from the laugh track; it is your crutch. And please, use your own characters from now on.
Robin Hood
What could have been. The original script for this film was from the point of view of the Sheriff of Nottingham, who is assigned to hunt down the nefarious outlaw, and antagonist, Robin Hood. Then the film’s producers realized they might actually have something original on their hands, quickly tore up the screenplay, and fed the legend into the Hollywood Plot Machine.
Whatever. The replacement story actually could have been worse, but you don’t go see Robin Hood to enjoy a tale about merry men. You go for the action!
I can’t help but try to see every movie that features medieval style battles; when it’s done right, I find it absolutely thrilling. So naturally, I became excited when I heard about this movie being directed by Ridley Scott, who has made excellent contributions to the “historical hack-n-slash” genre; namely, Kingdom of Heaven and Gladiator.
However, if you’ve seen either of these “R” rated movies on network television, the violence is so drastically toned down that the battle scenes are practically unwatchable. The shots that showcased any blood and gore weren’t cleaned up, but removed entirely. What you were left with was a clusterfuck of chaos, a sequence so confusing that it was like trying to follow the ending of Mulholland Drive. The same fate was suffered by the PG-13 rated Robin Hood; trying desperately to cling to its rating, it produced sloppy, nonsensical battle scenes that left the experience totally unfulfilled.
PG-13 is a scourge of film making. It allows the movie studios to snatch up receipts of moviegoers under 17 years old, but often at the cost of the film’s integrity. You know how I knew that Die Hard 4 was going to suck? Because it was rated PG-13. John McClain can’t be John McClain when he talks as if he is in the company of his god damn grandmother.
Can we just eliminate the ban on kids going into R rated movies? What possible damage could this cause? If you’re old enough to get to a movie theater by yourself, you’re old enough to see a pair of exposed breasts. Scratch that–you’ve already seen them. Many, many times. Thanks to the internet, censorship has become pointless–it now only serves to detract from things adults can enjoy like movies and TV.
The Real ZaQ 