Hey everyone! Go green! Turn off the lights. Shut off your computer. Recycle plastic bottles, recycle paper, recycle plastic bags, recycle condoms.
Shut the fuck up! I, for one, am totally sick of hearing this bullshit over and over, time after time. I have absolutely no problem with stuffing my garbage full of beer cans, light bulbs, propane tanks, and lit cigars. Not only do I always ask for plastic bags at the supermarket, I make sure that they’re all doubled up. I drive with my windows down while blasting my A/C, and this is after I leave my house with the heat at full blast and all the lights on. And I don’t want to hear any bullshit from anyone, OK?
Here’s the reality: If I were to stop doing these things, your lives wouldn’t change one fraction of a bit. Neither would the lives of your children. Nor your grandchildren. Okay, my roommates will be more comfortable in the winter with the heat up. Regardless, I’m going to continue ravaging this planet, and you’re going to keep living your lives, untouched, in exactly the same way. Well, except when you take time to give me shit for chucking a plastic bottle of Drain-O into the reservoir.
Well, perhaps you forgot, but we made a deal a long time ago. We agreed… well, I decreed… that as long as you environmentalist fanatics would continue to manipulate and guilt the other 300 million Americans into “going green”, I could continue my planet pillaging lifestyle–while observing that one person’s habits have absolutely no impact on the health of the environment whatsoever.
Do I feel guilty? Of course not. After all, I’m being totally upfront and honest about something that people might be appalled at. Well, shut up and stop whining, because I’m not the problem. I refuse to put any effort whatsoever into creating a better environment until the worst form of global rape gets put to a halt: Junk mail.
What pisses me off the most about junk mail is that 90 percent of this bullshit is fed to us by companies claiming they are “going green”. Apparently, if you run a company, all you need is one advertisement that says, “we love the environment” and all the people who pretend they give a crap will flock to your products like sheep. Hey, it removes the guilt, even though all it takes is an ounce of common sense to detect that you’re full of shit. Consider:
Hey, it’s nice that these trees managed to utter a “thanks” to all these people–well, they should, because many of them signed up online–but that was probably right before they were savagely cut down to use for the 563rd Citi credit card application that I received in the mail today. Good thing you sent that one, Citi, because even if I wanted to say yes for the first time after 562 straight NOs, I never would have signed up online. I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I want to sign up for something, I prefer to write it out by hand, then have to mail it back and wait a week or more before I can begin to use it.
So, the next time you catch me doing my part to contribute to global warming and smog, instead of wasting your time lecturing me about the fine points of envirnomentalism, you should waste your time doing the same to the companies that are actually doing the significant damage. Besides, shouldn’t you be chained to a tree somewhere?
The Real ZaQ 